Monday, March 19, 2012

The Five Stages of Insomnia

I am sure Elisabeth Kübler-Ross never expected so many people to take her five stages of grief model and apply it to things it doesn’t really apply to, but I am going to do it for my own comedic relief during this painful sleepless situation.
1.) Denial. I am totally going to fall asleep. My eyelids are definitely getting heavy, I can feel it. There is no way this is going to be another sleepless night. The insomnia victim doesn’t want to believe they once again consumed too much caffeine too late in the afternoon. They foolishly believe they will miraculously fall asleep even though they have enough fidgety energy to run a marathon. 
2.) Anger. WHY THE #@$! HAVEN’T I FALLEN ASLEEP YET?!?! My husband is snoring next to me, why I can’t I be snoring peacefully?!?! WHY ME?!?! You may witness angry pillow fluffing accompanied with passive aggressive tossing and turning and blanket kicking during this phase. It is not recommended to try and cheer the insomnia victim up as they may suddenly turn on you.
3.) Bargaining. If I could just fall asleep now and get three hours of sleep I will totally be happy. I will sacrifice both of my cats if I am just given a little bit of rest tonight. I promise I will never drink another pot of coffee by myself if you just let me sleep. In this stage the insomnia victim is employing false hope in their ability to change something that is out of their control.
4.) Depression. I am never going to sleep tonight. Tomorrow will be worthless and I will have to drink two pots of coffee to make it through. This insomnia is never going to end. The insomnia victim is trying to disconnect from the hope of sleep. 
5.) Acceptance. Well, I might as well get out of bed and write this lame blog post I have been thinking about for the last few hours.